First, let me start by saying I am fat. I'm not husky, big boned [well, that's partly true] or "Rubenesque". Second, I don't need pity or criticism. A healthy dose of narcissism with a pinch of self-deprecation does the trick. I have been overweight for some time now, and over the past 6 years I've gained 90 pounds. And kept it, like a treasure.
I've not always been this way. When I was in high school I could eat what I wanted and never gained weight. I played tennis and was in show choir [believe it or not] and was busy. When I became pregnant with my first son, I gained about 50 pounds and eventually lost 25 of it. I can remember so distinctly saying to friends, "Don't let me get up to [this size] jeans! I'll kill myself!"
I should be dead.
I keep thinking that there's some fat girl wandering around in my clothes - and they don't fit her. I mean, honestly, I surprise myself in the mirror. I literally can not believe that is what I look like.
A lot of, "Don't you know your body is a temple?" and "You're really unhealthy with that extra weight!" or "Do you need an extra helping?" I'm not often kind to myself.
I know the Lord made me and that I'm a wonderful person and He loves me - but I'm destroying the temple. Every time I choose something sedentary instead of active [which is made more difficult with more weight!] or choose to eat something I know is terrible, I'm slamming a sledgehammer into the temple. But until now I can't say I really "cared" if you catch my meaning.
You see, if I "cared" I would stop. If I "cared" I would make the right choices. If I "cared" I would push through the walls that I've built up around myself. Instead, I have excuses, and pitiful reasons as to why I should eat what and when I want. I have limits to my physical exercise. I don't have to do these things. Food is my kryponite. I can't help myself.
And then I had the revelation. It was so strong that my heart beat faster and reality seemed to fade into the background for an instant.
If I admit that I can't help myself, then I've already been defeated. If an adulterer says, "I can't help myself" they will lose their marriage, or family, and everything they care about. If an obese person says, "I can't help myself" they will die.
Death. A heck of a motivator. If I keep doing what I'm doing it will kill me. My children won't have me, my husband will be a widower, and I will have been useless.
There are a lot of things out there that can try to take me out: cancer, traffic collisions, war, malaria, airplanes, zombies ...
But how can I allow myself to become one of those things? To let myself continue to kill me?
I can't. I won't.
It doesn't matter how many times you've seen me post something about losing weight, or going to the gym or this diet or anything like that. What matters is that I keep trying. That I never give up. Because once I give up, I'm dead.
I hope this is my life changing epitome, my stunning revelation, my ghost of Christmas Yet To Come. I don't know all of the reasons why I overeat [I do know a few of them] so maybe this will be an adventure of discovery as well. If eating better and exercise don't do enough, I'll see a doctor. If that doesn't do enough, I'll see a counselor.
One way or another, I'm going to win this.
Tuesday, August 24, 2010
Thursday, January 28, 2010
Esau and Jacob
It's pretty clear that I have two children: Andrew Christian and Logan James. Andrew is 6 years older than his brother, and the two are so different yet alike.
I often think about Bible stories involving two brothers; I can't help but draw parallels where I can. Four that I think of are Cain and Abel [who had MANY more siblings down the road!], Esau and Jacob, the rich man's sons in the parable of the Lost Son [conjecture left for another time!] and the two sons of Zebedee [oh, that I would have Sons of Thunder!]. I am blessed to be a mother of two boys, and I'm learning so much about Scripture from them.
Today I was looking up the meanings for their names [one forgets after awhile] and was very happy to remember that Andrew means "manly, courageous" and Christian ... well, we all know what Christian means. Since Logan was named after a comic book character, I hadn't really given it much thought. Logan means "small cove or cave" and James means "supplanter, deceiver, the heel" because it comes from "Jacob". Well, that didn't sound very good. I went to read the story of Esau and Jacob and found a lot of similarities [and differences, of course.] Scripture is our history, and it's written down for us to learn from it. Isaac and Rebekah have two boys, I have two boys, what can I learn?
Esau was older [by a few moments], red, hairy, and outdoorsy while Jacob was the opposite. In my house, my Esau is skinny, pale, and enjoys the inside as much as outside while my Jacob was born red and hairy, has boundless love for being outside and is the type of child who I will find up in a tree. Why would I even compare my boys to this story? There is a trap that is very easy to fall into: Isaac chose Esau as favourite because of his love for wild game, and Rebekah chose Jacob because he stayed close to her. It's a normal thing to gravitate towards one child or another because of similar personalities and likes, while still being able to draw good boundaries. A basketball playing dad will get along well with his son who also plays basketball while he may have to make more of an effort to connect with a bookish, artistic child.
There are some similarities; Andrew rules the roost right now, but Logan's strong personality will likely "supplant" his older brother as he grows up. Andrew is often willing to give up rewards in favour of what he wants right then and there [or bad behaviour] and Logan is more likely to "sweeten" his way out of trouble than to throw a fit.
In knowing the plight of Esau being denied his firstborn rights, and in how Jacob's deception led to more deception, hatred, fear, and conflict within his family life, I can help my children. I used to think that Andrew would be the more priestly type [Aaron and other Levites] and Logan would be my warrior. Since then, I feel that the Lord has revealed to me the exact opposite: Andrew, who is manly and courageous [even when I don't think so] will lead the cadence for the soldiers, and Logan, who seems more adventurous now, will stand with the other Levites. If I were to forgo God's promise to me and try to make my children fit into the roles I think they should go into, I will breed discontent, animosity, resentment. That is something that I must not do, no matter what.
I have been given these children for a short time, and even a revelation of their greater selves, so that I would not form and manipulate and pigeonhole my children into doing what I think is best with their lives. That these children are not of my making [for what woman can say, "on this day I created his heart, his brain, or his bones"?], not of my design, and not mine to keep forever. In the time I have them I must learn from other Mothers and Fathers, other Brothers in Scripture to facilitate, as best I can, the calling God ultimately has on them. While the story of Esau and Jacob may pop up in my boys' lives at times, I can continue to learn how to treat them both, help them grow, and to trust that God's promises are enough.
I often think about Bible stories involving two brothers; I can't help but draw parallels where I can. Four that I think of are Cain and Abel [who had MANY more siblings down the road!], Esau and Jacob, the rich man's sons in the parable of the Lost Son [conjecture left for another time!] and the two sons of Zebedee [oh, that I would have Sons of Thunder!]. I am blessed to be a mother of two boys, and I'm learning so much about Scripture from them.
Today I was looking up the meanings for their names [one forgets after awhile] and was very happy to remember that Andrew means "manly, courageous" and Christian ... well, we all know what Christian means. Since Logan was named after a comic book character, I hadn't really given it much thought. Logan means "small cove or cave" and James means "supplanter, deceiver, the heel" because it comes from "Jacob". Well, that didn't sound very good. I went to read the story of Esau and Jacob and found a lot of similarities [and differences, of course.] Scripture is our history, and it's written down for us to learn from it. Isaac and Rebekah have two boys, I have two boys, what can I learn?
Esau was older [by a few moments], red, hairy, and outdoorsy while Jacob was the opposite. In my house, my Esau is skinny, pale, and enjoys the inside as much as outside while my Jacob was born red and hairy, has boundless love for being outside and is the type of child who I will find up in a tree. Why would I even compare my boys to this story? There is a trap that is very easy to fall into: Isaac chose Esau as favourite because of his love for wild game, and Rebekah chose Jacob because he stayed close to her. It's a normal thing to gravitate towards one child or another because of similar personalities and likes, while still being able to draw good boundaries. A basketball playing dad will get along well with his son who also plays basketball while he may have to make more of an effort to connect with a bookish, artistic child.
There are some similarities; Andrew rules the roost right now, but Logan's strong personality will likely "supplant" his older brother as he grows up. Andrew is often willing to give up rewards in favour of what he wants right then and there [or bad behaviour] and Logan is more likely to "sweeten" his way out of trouble than to throw a fit.
In knowing the plight of Esau being denied his firstborn rights, and in how Jacob's deception led to more deception, hatred, fear, and conflict within his family life, I can help my children. I used to think that Andrew would be the more priestly type [Aaron and other Levites] and Logan would be my warrior. Since then, I feel that the Lord has revealed to me the exact opposite: Andrew, who is manly and courageous [even when I don't think so] will lead the cadence for the soldiers, and Logan, who seems more adventurous now, will stand with the other Levites. If I were to forgo God's promise to me and try to make my children fit into the roles I think they should go into, I will breed discontent, animosity, resentment. That is something that I must not do, no matter what.
I have been given these children for a short time, and even a revelation of their greater selves, so that I would not form and manipulate and pigeonhole my children into doing what I think is best with their lives. That these children are not of my making [for what woman can say, "on this day I created his heart, his brain, or his bones"?], not of my design, and not mine to keep forever. In the time I have them I must learn from other Mothers and Fathers, other Brothers in Scripture to facilitate, as best I can, the calling God ultimately has on them. While the story of Esau and Jacob may pop up in my boys' lives at times, I can continue to learn how to treat them both, help them grow, and to trust that God's promises are enough.
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